Cambridge Analytica: “We Already Know Who’s Won Whit Friday”

East of the M60 World Exclusive:

Cambridge Analytica’s Northern Chief’s startling revelations which could shake the Whit Friday brass band contests to their very foundations

In the last month, Channel Four News, plus The Guardian and The Observer newspapers have exposed Cambridge Analytica’s role in the EU Referendum and Donald Trump’s election victory. This has entailed the use of social media and behavioural insights to influence swaying voters.

Tonight, East of the M60 can reveal that Cambridge Analytica have opened a new Northern outpost. Situated in a former rifle range with stunning views of the Tame Valley, Cambridge Analytica’s Northern Area base has seen the addition of 33 jobs. There are rumours that Stott’s Tours’ 343 service will be extended to serve its employees (sources from CA said the changes will be made on the 23 July 2018).

Inside CANAL

From a distance, CA North’s revolutionary headquarters is obscured from view. Its opening has meant the diversion of a footpath from Hobson Moor to Walkerwood Reservoir. Plus the extension of Moorland View and an upgrade to Brushes Road. Only one floor looks out to the Tame Valley: this is where CA North’s employees can take their lunch or enjoy a cigarette.

The name of CA North’s building, CANAL doesn’t just stand for Cambridge Analytica Northern Area Limited. It is a nod to the locality’s industrial heritage. Its internet access is the envy of most Stalybridge residents. Their 33 staff also know the best times to nip to Mellor’s Bakery or the Oxford Street Chippy.

“We already know who’s won Whit Friday”

CA North’s Managing Director Avril Fowle-Mephistopheles has claimed that Cambridge Analytica (Northern Area) Ltd have details of 2018’s Whit Friday brass band contest results. She claims that:

  • Boarshurst Silver Band will win the Saddleworth Prize with their superb performance of The President;
  • Foden’s Band will continue their record run of contest wins in the Tameside area;
  • Tewit Youth and Elland Silver Youth bands will be the most successful youth bands Saddleworth’s contests. For Tameside she thinks Wardle Academy Youth Band could be the clear winners.
  • This year’s most popular march will be William Rimmer’s Ravenswood, followed by George Allan’s Knight Templar. She also thinks The Elephant is long overdue a revival;
  • 2nd Rossendale Scouts will pick up deportment prizes at the Lees, Scouthead, and Denshaw contests;
  • Brighouse and Rastrick will – for the first time in over a decade – visit the Tameside contest venues, starting with The Albion Hotel in Dukinfield;
  • Hesperia Planum Silver Band will be the first ever brass band to come from Mars. She says they will land beside the adjudicator’s caravan at the Greenfield contest, playing The Spaceman by T.J. Powell;
  • The Greenfield Contest’s Best Entertainment in Village prize will go to Kiss My Brass, a specially formed brass band inspired by the US glam metal band. She adds that I Was Made For Lovin’ You will be their deportment march;
  • The newly introduced skip-stop timetable will cause insurmountable grief among Whit Friday revellers at Greenfield railway station.

In The Wellington Inn in Greenfield, a busy venue on Whit Friday, we asked a few people for their opinions.

T. Powell from Uppermill said: “Any suggestion that the Whit Friday Brass Band Contests could be rigged is unbelievable. Why would a firm who engineered Trump’s victory be interested in undermining the Greenfield Brass Band Contest.”

S. Douglas from Grasscroft suggested “they could help the Greenfield Brass Band Contest by giving them a donation”. G. Allen from Stalybridge disagreed with her suggestion: “that’s how these fellows started – a sizeable donation… should be down to the adjudicator as to whether Foden’s will win again.”

D. Ormondroyd of South Kirkby said “I thought that music mattered, but does it (censored). First Brexit, then Trump, now Whit Friday. Is anything sacred?”

M. van Basten of Kiln Green said: “Could this be why my ticket never comes up in the raffle at Boarshurst Band Club? I have tried to win the Rose for my wife but the front table with that stupid compere always have first dibs.”

Before leaving the pub, we checked our social media accounts. 10 minutes ago, one site tried to entice us with a pint of Lemon Dream. Five minutes on, we ordered two pints of the aforementioned real ale. It seems that CA North used our social media accounts to influence our next round.

We at East of the M60 tried to approach Ms Fowle-Mephistopheles for an interview. She refused to comment. Any claims of rigging the Boarshurst Band Club raffle draw have also been rubbished. Instead we received a statement from her Head of Communications, R. Palios Pompous Main who said:

“We at Cambridge Analytica Northern Area Limited would like to apologise for any confusion this may cause.

“We believe that all brass band contests should be conducted properly with an adjudicator, and each brass band being referred to by their entry number. We are also passionate about the Whit Friday Experience and hope recent events do not spoil your enjoyment of The Greatest Free Show on Earth.”

Mr. Main will issue a further statement by 12 midday on the 01 April 2018.

What do you think?

Would Cambridge Analytica’s arrival give Tameside some much needed knowledge-based economy jobs? Is CANAL, as they are known in Northern England right to divulge state secrets regarding the Whit Friday Brass Band Contests? Should we be worried that a Saddleworth and Tameside institution could have its results influenced prior to the 25 May 2018? Feel free to comment.

S.V., 01 April 2018.

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