The World’s Worst Record Show – Crimes Against Music

As well as being the title of a 1978 album featuring the 20 worst songs according to a Capital Radio show hosted by the late great Kenny Everett, the purpose of this post is about crimes against music.

The 1978 album released by K-Tel includes songs about drink driving, necrophilia and… three Jess Conrad tracks (poor man). My favourite musical disaster from that album is ‘Paralysed’ by the Legendary Stardust Cowboy, along with Jimmy Cross’ ‘I Want My Baby Back’. If you can find a copy on eBay buy it straight away.  It is a real education in musical composition and on how not to get to number one, nor gain extra friends via myspace.com.

My crimes against music are: lyricists who blatantly rhyme “touch” with “much” (so cliched) and songs switching octaves almost suddenly (the truck driver’s gear change).  As for particular artistes, well, I would say anyone who butchers ‘Unchained Melody’, ‘Uptown Girl’ or ‘Agadoo’ to death, to the point all enjoyment is lost (I lied about the latter one).

As for particular songs, I would consign the following to Room 202 (Room 101 is too good for them) :

  • Anyone Can Fall in Love: Anita Dobson (we all know the Eastenders tune!?);
  • Every Loser Wins: Nick Berry (and it was No. 1 for four weeks!);
  • What Becomes of the Broken Hearted: Robson and Jerome;
  • My Heart Will Go On: Celine Dion.

Above are my not so Fab Four.  Filed under ‘so bad they are good’, I would say these fit my criteria for Room 50.5:

  • Panic: The Scoop (see ‘Chart Hits ’81’);
  • What’s the Colour of Money: Hollywood Beyond;
  • Live is Life: Opus;
  • Rock Me Amadeus: Falco;
  • Bang Bang: B.A. Robertson.

Readers of this blog, I will invite you to add further comments and songs which would reside in Room 202, or Room 50.5.

Stuart Vallantine: A lover of rotten records as well as more decent stuff like Supertramp,  ELO and the Toy Dolls.

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