The (Not So) Mysterious Death of a Provincial Theatre

With 13,000 plus friends on Facebook favouring its retention, support from beyond the Tameside boundaries and celebrities, Tameside Hippodrome must have had a fighting chance of being saved.

Sunday Night Terrors: The Not So Perfect Ten

“…Heartbeat, why do you miss when my baby kisses me…” – Buddy Holly

The strains of ITV’s much loved period drama may no longer haunt the screens in a few years time due to falling ad revenues, which may well be a blow for the North Yorkshire village of Goathland. Viewing figures have halved since the programme made its debut in 1992. I reckon it could down to the fact the programme may have ran its course, but that’s another story best left to another topic.

On the whole, has anybody else realised how Sunday night programmes tend to be more sombre? I don’t think it leaves any of us in a sunny disposition for Monday mornings. It is this concept which has led me to a new Not So Perfect Ten. Today’s subject, ‘Sunday Night Terrors’ is a rundown of the most sombre programmes ever to have graced the Sunday night schedules. They merit inclusion on the grounds of its mawkish nature, sheer crapness, apocalyptic doom and an unedifying blandness which screams ‘Monday is on the way’.

1. Little House on the Prairie (ITV/Channel 4, 1979 – 1994);
2. The Love Boat (ITV, 1978 – 1987);
3. Antiques Roadshow (BBC, 1979 – to date);
4. Duck Patrol (ITV 1996);
5. Surprise Surprise (LWT/ITV, 1983 – 1996);
6. Beat The Star (ITV, 2007);
7. Dancing on Ice (ITV, 2007 – to date);
8. Where the Heart Is (Anglia/ITV, 1998 – 2004);
9. Threads (BBC 2, 23/09/1984);
10. Hart to Hart (ITV, 1981 – 1986);

There are probably several more to list which may form a follow-up to this subject. Please note that the transmission dates within this list above refer to the UK transmission dates.

Before I discovered the joys of real ale, Sky Sports, and Sunday bus services, Monday was almost on its way when Channel 4 reverberated to the strains of Little House on the Prairie. Though the sets were lavish, I couldn’t get into the programme, unlike my mother.

There must be an unwritten rule that Sundays had to be a schmaltz-fest. There was the awful ‘Small Wonder’ which included the non-adventures of a girl and her robot. Then ‘Highway to Heaven’ would come on after ‘Weekend World’ or ‘Aap Kaa Ark’. Coinciding neatly with Sunday pub closing times (before 1994, you couldn’t get a pint between 1500 and 2000 hours) was The Love Boat. The premise was that romantic and funny adventures took place on cruise ships around the world. Interesting. Could we have some football on instead? Thankfully, Bullseye used to start shortly after, which neatly finished for the UK Top 40 Countdown.

For me, the weekend finished as soon as the UK No. 1 chart single was announced. Now that I no longer listen to the music charts, Antiques Roadshow will suffice instead. Though I find this programme mildly interesting, it doesn’t quite stir my senses the same way as a rare home win for Stalybridge Celtic. Now that Fiona Bruce presents this programme, I have started watching it more, so I’ll leave this to your imagination…

Sometime in 1996, Richard Wilson returned to ITV for the sitcom Duck Patrol. After doing the successful One Foot in the Grave on ‘the other side’, ITV thought this would be their equivalent to ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. My family and several other viewers thought otherwise as we tried to force a titter.

Around about the same timeslot as Antiques Roadshow was Surprise Surprise, a televisual equivalent of the ‘missing persons’ column with ‘our Cilla’ at the helm. I found it rather schmaltzy, making at the Anne Nightingale’s request show on Radio 1 a more inviting proposition. When I was young, I hated the programme and thought ‘Ho hum, school is on the way’. Now if there was a quiz show element to it…

In a bid to make Sunday night the new Saturday, ITV decided to give its Sunday night schedule an overhaul. Spurred on the success of Dancing on Ice, ITV thought Beat The Star would become another. Alas it wasn’t. The Vernon Kay fronted programme [Beat The Star] encouraged the general public to take on celebrities at challenges akin to ‘You Bet’. The biggest challenge was sitting through 90 minutes of this programme, despite not fulfilling the ‘depressing’ nature of Sunday programme.

If trying to impress us with ice dancers weren’t enough, trying to create a similar programme to an already successful one was bad enough. Enter Where The Heart Is, produced by Anglia Television, yet set in West Yorkshire. I found the storylines maudlin and unadventurous. Where was the suspense laden plots, or the fear factor?

The fear factor was something Threads did have - in buckets – one Sunday night in 1984. Ticking all boxes for a Sunday night doomfest, the docudrama was set in Sheffield before, during and after a nuclear attack. It is also something of a cult classic (and rightly so), not least for a social history of 1980s Sheffield, its shoestring budget, and ability to scare anyone into joining CND. Even on repeated viewing, I cannot fail to be stirred by the anti nuclear weapons demo scenes, and the first nuclear strike which occurs 55 minutes into the programme (nicely timed before Spitting Image when shown on the 23rd September 1984).

For the terrified feared of the nuclear reality approaching them at the time, they could have chickened out and watched something more asinine, like Tales of the Unexpected or Hart to Hart.  Featuring Stefanie Powers and Robert Wagner, the titles were, in my opinion were as good as the programme got.  Then again, I was sent to bed well before that programme started, and it is only through anecdotal evidence I was told that Freeway was the best actor (and he was their dog).

Now I know why we get this ‘OMG, I’ve got to go to work/school/college feeling’.  It is almost as if the programmes are selected to numb us into work.  Unless of course it happens to be a decent horror film or the excellent Threads.

Bring on the trumpets!

S.V. 05 March 2009.

The Spirit of ‘Monkey Tennis’ Is Alive And Well

On ITV2

Several years back, we used to have a jolly old pop at what daft stuff our neighbours across the English Channel were producing. We laughed at daft brand names on ‘That’s Life’,

The Not So Perfect 10: Forgotten Saturday Night Television Programmes

Recently, I have purchased a book entitled ‘The Encyclopaedia of Classic Saturday Night Television’. As well as mentioning the usual suspects (The Generation Game, Gladiators and Game For A Laugh) it also states (almost) every programme Bobby Davro appeared in and flops like Ice Warriors.

At Last! A ‘Friends’ for the Geek Generation

‘The Big Bang Theory’, Channel 4, Thursdays 2200 hours

The Not So Perfect 10: Hummable 1980s TV Themes

“If you’re looking for trouble… you’ve found the right place…” – Elvis Presley

Hello again, I’m back with some more fluff. As well as being an unrivalled source on the state of Dukinfield’s bus services,

Something to Cheer About This Christmas

East of the M60 Exclusive Review:

Countdown 2007 Grand Final, Friday 21 December 2007

Never mind special Christmas soap opera story lines, never mind all these ‘lets talk about how good the telly was in 1980′ type programmes, this Christmas period’s televisual treat started at 3.25pm on Channel 4.

Don’t Look Ethel…!

Setanta Shield, First Round, 25 October 2007

Stalybridge Celtic 0, Blyth Spartans 0 (AET Blyth Spartans win 4 – 3 on penalties)

A: This is your action news reporter coming to you live from the Setanta Shield First Round. Pardon me sir, do you see what happened?

B: Yeah I did. I saw a goalless draw taken to extra time and penalties with every ounce of drama you could think of. Four men ran on to the pitch from the Popular Side with 10 minutes to go, half a dozen teens had a fight just before extra time, and worse, the floodlights cut out during the penalty shoot out.

Today’s blog entry would have had a more mundane title like “Stalybridge Celtic on TV” had it not been for four streakers, in a game that was remembered most for anything other than the game itself.

The Not So Perfect 10: 2. Quiz shows that should be revived

Following ITV’s recent decision to bring back ‘Family Fortunes’ (with Vernon Kay as presenter), this has inspired me to construct a list of shows which I think should be brought back on UK television screens.

343 Service Saved

Speedwell Travel to run daytime 343 service

It was announced in this week’s Tameside Advertiser that the daytime 343 service will continue to after the 15 April 2007.

As stated elsewhere within this blog,

“Don’t be a Plonker if you can be a Stonker…”

Yes folks, it’s that time of the year again, ‘Comic Relief’.

What started off a ninety minute programme has mushroomed into an evening long telethon, with linked programmes.  For the purpose of this post, I would like to hear your memories of previous Comic Relief years.  I shall start off with my memories.

For me, 2001 was the best year, as I spent an hour outside the Stalybridge branch of Tescos, collecting for Comic Relief, dressed as an overweight Emily Howard lookalike!  Ten years earlier, I was at school, and took part in a ‘talent contest’ singing the then popular Right Said Fred song ‘I’m Too Sexy’, followed by ‘The Stonk’ by Hale and Pace.  In the same year, I brought the house down at the school hall with an impression of a washing machine for a version of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’, organised by some sixth formers.

For the next part of this post, I shall make reference to the Comic Relief songs.

My favourite was the first ever single for the said charity, ‘Living Doll’.  This was a version by Cliff Richard and The Young Ones (yes, Rik, Vyvian, Mike and Neil of the 1982 – 4 sitcom… heavv-vee!) from 1986.  The most cheesiest one has to be ‘The Stonk’ by Hale and Pace and the Stonkers (which was a more blatant single; a trend followed by Right Said Fred with ‘Stick It Out’).  This is due to the talent contest mentioned earlier.

The Singles (note, this is not a complete list; any additions welcome):

• 1986: ‘Living Doll’, Cliff Richard and the Young Ones;
• 1987-8: ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’, Mel (Smith) and Kim (Wilde);
• 1989: ‘Help’, Bananarama and La Na Ne Na Na Noo (a.k.a French and Saunders);
• 1991: ‘The Stonk’, Hale and Pace and the Stonkers;
• 1993: ‘Stick It Out’, Right Said Fred;
• 1997: ‘Mama/Who Do You Think You Are?’, The Spice Girls;
• 2007: ‘Walk This Way’, Girls Aloud.

Your comments please…

Confessions of a Bridget Jones Imitator

Robin Askwith Vs Tracey Temple

‘Confessions of a Diary Secretary’: ITV 1, TX 2100 hours

Last night I decided to watch the aforementioned programme on the 28th February 2007, based on the affair of Tracey Temple and John Prescott.

If broadcasters were looking for a way of doing a diary based programme (one-off drama or series), this was one example of how not to do one.

From the opening titles and captions, I thought ‘WTF’, this doesn’t look serious or refined enough. Wasting 90 precious minutes of this, the script was poorly written, lacking in real substance, and the programme had the cheek of classing itself as a comedy on the ‘End of Part One/Two/Three’ titles. Laughed? Only once! Before then, I was watching my ‘Only Fools and Horses’ DVD (‘Danger UXD’ episode) which had infinitely more laughs per minute. A shorter running time would have probably helped.

I was disappointed to find it either lacked the dry humour of ‘The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole 13 3/4′ or the bawdy humour of ‘Confessions of a Driving Instructor’ (featuring Robin Askwith and Cherie Blair’s dad, Tony Booth) . I watched expecting a ‘Carry On’ style ‘nudge nudge, wink wink’ style comedy. Instead I got the filler bits between the Confessions of a Driving Instructor scenes at the golf course and the rugby match.

The result was a tawdry production lacking in humour and real substance.  Hasn’t the Right Honorable member for Hull East been shamed enough without this?  It tried to be Bridget Jones’ Diary and turned out to be Mr Bean’s on a bad day.  Oh, and they also had the cheek to put a ‘behind the scenes’ type programme on on ITV3 – as well as advertising to similar proportions as the Jamster Crazy Frog adverts did.

If I want to see bawdy/non PC comedy done properly, I would make a trip to my local DVD purveyor for a Carry On film or On The Buses.

Verdict: 25% (‘Confessions of a Driving Instructor’ featuring Robin Askwith was much better, as was the Bridget Jones’ Diary film).

Oldham Wakes Uncovered

‘Disappearing Britain’, 20/11/2006, 2100 hours, C5

For the purpose of this post, the title has nothing to do with a lost version of Sky One/LWT’s Ibiza Uncovered type programmes.

For the first time on a national television station, the joys of the Oldham Wakes were revealed on Channel Five’s ‘Disappearing Britain’.

The programme, a three part series, explores parts of Britain that have gone the way of the dinosaurs and Quatro, such as Oldham being a cotton town and the mining industry.  In the first programme, shown yesterday, Sarah Lancashire rekindled her memories of Oldham, with some background on her family and vox pop interviews with fellow Oldhamers.  The actress (late of ‘Coronation Street’ as Raquel Wolstenhulme, and ‘Where the Heart Is’) also visited Blackpool, the seaside resort favoured by Lancastrian mill workers – which no doubt led to the Fylde Coast town becoming the UK’s favourite seaside resort.  Sarah saw Blackpool in her August 2006 visit as a shadow of its former self, with the beaches devoid of deckchairs and holidaymakers.

Using archive footage and vox pop interviews to back her story up, the programme explored the history of the Wakes Week in a concise way, plus the mills and changes in holiday habits.  She was also augmented by Stalybridge’s very own town crier Barry McQueen.

For anyone unfamiliar with the concept of the Wakes Weeks, this was a good programme and a good introduction.  Being a resident north of Birmingham, I found most of this as familiar ground.  Apart from that, it was good to see the North West of England given fair representation on national television.  It was good seeing Heron and Durban mills, and the sadly derelict Hartford mill on the telly.  It was also good to see our sub standard Pacer units departing from Oldham Mumps – a world away from Waterloo’s 8 car units.

Next week’s programme will feature Ricky Tomlinson, with his film on the mining industry.  This will be shown at the same time next Monday.

I’ll know when we’ve arrived, if we see televised coverage of the Whit Friday band contests.

Stuart.

The 50 Worst UK Television Programmes

This week’s Radio Times includes a rundown of the worst fifty programmes, according to Guardian journalist John Naughton:

50 Worst UK TV Programmes (top 20)

Quite rightly, ‘Minipops’ is on this list of shame, along with ‘Eldorado’ and ‘3-2-1′ (though good in a strange sort of way due to its sheer naffness). In my opinion, I think ‘Celebrity Love Island’, ‘Where the Heart Is’, ‘The Mint’ and ‘Duck Patrol’ should have been added to this. I would say he was harsh on ‘Going for Gold’, ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ and ‘Wacaday’. All three of these programmes hold fond memories for me. In fact, ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ was one of the first programmes I actually loved watching. Wacaday’s only crime was inflicting Timmy Mallett on a nation (no bad thing, having been popular in Greater Manchester on the late great Piccadilly Radio, 261 metres MW). As for Going for Gold, this quiz show should be revived along with Masterteam, Knightmare and Blockbusters. I used to like the school holidays, because I could watch Going for Gold and How We Used To Live in the half terms.

Quickfire Balls does deserve inclusion, along with all these other initiatives to try and extort money from us via our cathode ray tube/plasma/TFT screen instead of spending it on quality programming. Like ‘The Mint’.

This link will take you to the full fifty worst programmes.  Debate amongst yourselves to your heart’s content:

http://www.u.tv/newsroom/indepth.asp?id=10996&pt=e