Route 53 Expert: Rebellious Mixtape #2

A special mixtape to celebrate 40 years since the formation of SELNEC PTE

40 years ago came one of the most revolutionary reforms to public transport management in the Greater Manchester area. As per Barbara Castle’s 1968 Transport Act, part of this legislation involved the formation of Conurbation Transport Authorities.

“She’s in Broadstairs….!”

Donna Williams’ 2009 UK Tour Dates

Half Man Half Biscuit fans, I do apologise for my attempt at link baiting hoping you would expect an article on the above song from their 2002 album Cammell Laird Social Club.

More seriously, the tour dates for Donna Williams’ UK lecture tour have been revealed on her website.  This time, there are no dates for the North West though the most northerly date is at Middlesbrough.  Her penultimate tour date will be in the Kent seaside town of Broadstairs (hence the title).

Dates:

• 03/10/2009: Fareham / Oxford;
• 05/10/2009: Pontypridd;
• 06/10/2009: Nailsea / Bristol;
• 07/10/2009: Birmingham;
• 08/10/2009: Wrexham;
• 09/10/2009: Newry;
• 10/10/2009: Doncaster;
• 12/10/2009: Middlesbrough;
• 13/10/2009: Peterborough;
• 15/10/2009: Dublin;
• 16/10/2009: Broadstairs;
• 17/10/2009: London.

All dates may be subject to change.  Check the Events section of Donna’s website for details.

To any regular readers of this blog who may be interested in seeing one of her seminars, you will be in for a treat.  I am not just saying that because I know her as a good friend.  As well as being informed you will also be entertained by her approach on discussing autism spectrum disorders.

Half Man Half Biscuit fans on or off the autism spectrum, you may wish to attend the Broadstairs lecture, visit the place itself properly, stay overnight and leave home the following morning.  Sadly I cannot speak for the qualities of Broadstairs as I have never been!

S.V., 20 August 2009.

Postscript (01 October 2009): Donna’s final UK venue will be at Farnborough, not London.  I will be going to the Wrexham, Doncaster and Middlesbrough lectures, so if in the unlikely event you see me, make yourself known. Middlesbrough also has a place in HMHB History in that Hedley Verity was born there (hence ‘Hedley Verityesque’ on their 1991 album ‘Macintyre, Treadmore and Davitt’.

Buses in Popular Music: The Not So Perfect Ten

For the purpose of this Not So Perfect Ten, I have decided to focus on the best ten pieces of music featuring buses.  This may include direct or indirect reference to buses in its lyrics, song title, or instrumental pieces.

1. Magic Bus, The Who (1967);
2. Little in the Way of Sunshine, Half Man Half Biscuit (2008);
3. Last Bus, The Salford Jets (1979);
4. The Bus to Crookes, The Human League (1995);
5. Tour Jacket with Detachable Sleeves, Half Man Half Biscuit (1995);
6. Cardiac Arrest, Madness (1982);
7. Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree, Dawn (1973);
8. The Wheels on the Bus, Mad Donna (2002);
9. Lucky Stars, Dean Friedman (1978);
10. Bus Stop, The Hollies (1965).

First and foremost is a more obvious entry; The Who’s Magic Bus.  There is no reference to defective services nor high bus fares, just a straightforward plea to board their Magic Bus.  Both The Who’s tune and Magic Bus played a part in the early years of bus deregulation.  The first Magic Bus service began on the 26 October 1986 in Glasgow.  Using an AEC Routemaster in an early version of the Stagecoach livery, Brian Souter launched Magic Bus’ cheap and cheerful service taking fares whilst dressed in a rabbit suit!

The Who tune was adapted for a GM Buses advert.  Shown in the run-up to deregulation in the Granada region, it cheerfully announced the dawn of GM Buses, ‘picking you up tomorrow as usual’.  What happened on deregulation day and the day after seemed to be opposite.  On the same day was the first televised Manchester Derby game, resulting in a sub-40,000 attendance (at the time, the lowest ever at Maine Road).  The lure of Brian Moore/Martin Tyler or the fear of bus deregulation chaos?  You decide.

The second is a surreal piece from Half Man Half Biscuit.  On their most recent album CSI:Ambleside, Little in the Way of Sunshine is peppered with references to bus routes around Shropshire.  Parts of the lyrics include advisory signs seen on buses.

From Shropshire to Salford, we see a different side to bus travel immortalised in Last Bus.  Written by The Salford Jets in 1979, it is a wry observation and warning on boarding night buses in Greater Manchester.  Recently, this track has been reissued as part of their ‘Greatest Hits’ album ‘Manchester Boys’.  Headed by Rock Radio DJ Mike Sweeney, they are well worth seeing live.  I saw them perform an acoustic set at The Railway in Greenfield recently and they were great.

On the B Side of The Human League’s comeback single Tell Me When is The Bus to Crookes.  This is a track about the 51 service to that part of Sheffield which begins at Gleadless Town End.  At present, First South Yorkshire operates this service (please tell me if anyone knows different).

Another good bus related song also released in 1995 was Tour Jacket with Detachable Sleeves.  As part of the Half Man Half Biscuit album Some Call It Godcore, the song starts well with a few friends going to a gig at the local polytechnic.  That is until they find it was full of tribute acts, finishing with a bus journey from Hell, ending in an accident.  There is reference to the 71 and 72 bus routes from Liverpool to Heswall via Birkenhead, operated by First Crosville.

Madness’ Cardiac Arrest is more to do with a hellish commute to work.  In the narrative of this song, a time pressed commuter feels frustrated by the slowness of his bus.  Fearing a late arrival, he gets wound up, hence the “I wish this bus would get a move on; driver’s taking his time”.  It almost reminds of some of my bus based commutes from Hell in Greater Manchester.  At least he had a conductor (as seen in the video) aboard his AEC Routemaster rather than a flustered driver trying to balance promptness with encapsulating weekly or monthly bus tickets.

The ninth one has nothing to do with buses whatsoever.  Lucky Stars by Dean Friedman was his biggest and best known UK chart hit.  The conversation with uncredited vocalist Denise Marca could have been anywhere other than aboard the Hale Barns Express.  Its link with buses was Greater Manchester Transport’s ‘Sounds in Motion’ experiment, as (according to anecdotal evidence; my parents) it seemed to have been the only tune played!

The purpose of GMT’s ‘Sounds in Motion’ was to generate extra advertising revenue whilst keeping its passengers aboard the top deck entertained.  8 minutes per hour was allocated to advertising, with 52 minutes for music.  If anybody else could remember ‘Sound in Motion’ (and as to whether they played anything by Supertramp or any other artiste(s) besides Dean Friedman), feel free to comment.

My final one is Bus Stop by the Hollies which is a gentle observational piece of waiting for a bus by the great Graham Gouldman of 10cc fame.  It paints a picture of the boredom endured by passengers at Ashton bus station whose 346 is forever delayed by the schools traffic.

Any further suggestions are welcome.  Cushty!

S.V., 17 July 2009

I’m In the Metro!

OK, not quite.

A nice surprise came to me this morning in one of the free papers on the 220 service towards Stalybridge railway station. I was reading the Metro when turning towards ‘The Ridiculant’ page I found that one of my side projects was listed.

As advertised elsewhere within East of the M60, I created a Google map on the places namechecked by Half Man Half Biscuit entitled (ahem) ‘Half Map Half Biscuit’ (don’t you just love the wordplay).

Top of the list under a section entitled ‘Check These Ones Out’ was… Half Map Half Biscuit!

Fame at last I thought. Quoting from the Metro, The Ridiculant stated:

“At long last someone has created a Google map of every place ever mentioned in a Half Man Half Biscuit song. You young ‘uns probably don’t even know who the band HMHB are, do you? Shame on you.”

Click on the link to The Ridiculant to see the map itself, some comments and other goodies.

At this time of writing, some 6,927 people have seen the map – not bad for a Google map anyway, but one that has only been up for one day more than a month!  Feel free to contribute the map itself.  Please note that entries may be edited for spelling and grammatical errors.

S.V., 18 February 2009

Half Map Half Biscuit

“…I like to flush the demons from out of your mind…”

With only days to go until Half Man Half Biscuit’s Manchester gig (Academy, 30 January 2009), East of the M60 is proud to announce a new project.

Entitled ‘Half Map Half Biscuit’, this ongoing project is a map of the places namechecked in Half Man Half Biscuit songs.  Each place is pinpointed with a quote from the song it featured in.

The map is a user generated map created using Google Maps.  All you have to do is go into maps.google.co.uk, zoom your Google map towards the UK, click on the ‘My Maps’ link and enter ‘half map half biscuit’ into Google and click ‘Search Maps’.

Enjoy,

Stuart.

Rebellious Mixtape: Teen Travel Club (Official Soundtrack)

Music inspired by Greater Manchester Transport’s Teen Travel Club Era

Thanks to the success of ‘The Not So Perfect Ten’, the musical NSP10s have outgrown the previous remit of focusing on the quirky side.

For anyone assuming that this is the end of ‘The Not So Perfect Ten’, think again; it is actually a new cousin for him to play with. There will still be a place for ‘The Not So Perfect Ten’ in subjects like the quotes of Half Man Half Biscuit, the best falsetto vocalists and Greater Manchester Transport.

‘Rebellious Mixtape’ is a suggested list of tracks pertaining to given subjects, such as boat trips, the works of Ted Rogers and cult TV programmes. Tracks are chosen not only from chart singles but also album tracks.

For the first of (hopefully) many rebellious mixtapes, I chosen ‘The Teen Travel Club’ as my source of inspiration.

So, why have I chosen this odd subject?  In 1982, as a bid to turn teenagers away from the car keys, Greater Manchester Transport introduced the Teen Travel Club, which offered discounted bus travel to 16 – 17 year olds.  This first came in the form of a photocard which entitled them to discounted Clippercards and weekly passes.  By 1984, the age range was extended to 18 and 19 by 1986.  As well as passes, magazines and other promotions were also sent to ticket holders.  Application forms allowed new members to state their three favourite bands or solo artistes.

For the Walkman, here is ‘Teen Travel Club: The Official Soundtrack’.  To keep the battery life as long as possible, a C60 is the best audio tape for this. For anyone reading this, it is not a low rent version of ‘High School Musical’ set on the 343 to Oldham.  Enjoy the ride:

Side One: Hyde to Mossley (Brookbottom)

1. ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’, Phil Collins (1983)
2. ‘La Dolce Vita’, Ryan Paris (1983)
3. ‘Here Comes The Rain Again’, Eurythmics (1984)
4. ‘Freedom’, Wham (1984)
5. ‘Get Out Of Your Lazy Bed’, Matt Bianco (1984)
6. ‘Walls Come Tumbling Down’, The Style Council (1985)
7. ‘Don’t Try To Stop It’, Roman Holliday (1983)
8. ‘We Close Our Eyes’, Go West (1985)

Side Two: Mossley (Brookbottom) – Oldham (Bus Station)

1. ‘The Wild Boys’, Duran Duran (1984)
2. ‘The Safety Dance’, Men Without Hats (1983)
3. ‘Running Up That Hill’, Kate Bush (1985)
4. ‘Shake The Disease’, Depeche Mode (1985)
5. ‘I Feel For You’, Chaka Khan (1984)
6. ‘West End Girls’, Pet Shop Boys (1985)
7. ‘Feels Like Heaven’, Fiction Factory (1984)
8. ‘Relax’, Frankie Goes To Hollywood (1983)

S.V., 01 January 2009

Three Sparky Individuals, Two Lectures, One Amazing Day

Out on the road with Donna Williams in Burnley and Aintree.

Friday 19th September 2008 will go down as one of my greatest days in the near three decades of my existence on this planet of ours.

Ever The Honorary Northern Autie

Donna Williams to do 6 lectures in the North of England.

It is that time of the year again (and in case any regular readers ask, it is not Christmas).  Autie raconteur Donna Williams is to do 6 lectures in the North of England as part of her UK tour.  For anyone unfamiliar with her works, she is an established author and consultant in the field of autism spectrum disorders and an all round renaissance woman with a wealth of creative talent from singing to painting and poetry.

As with previous years, most venues are easy to get to on public transport and priced within easy reach of most incomes.

Her Northern lectures:

• Manchester: 13 September;
• Sunderland: 18 September;
• Leeds: 18 September;
• Burnley: 19 September;
• Liverpool: 19 September;
• Sheffield: 20 September.

For further details, click on the Blogroll link to Donna Williams’ website.  Tickets are only available on a ‘first come first served’ basis, so be quick as her lectures are extremely popular.

S.V., 28 August 2008.

Lift Off (With Donna and the Aspinauts)

A exciting new socially aware band about to hit the street

First came Kraut Rock, then Alt Rock. Now we have Aut Rock.

The Best Free Show on Earth #2

Part 2: The Whit Friday Brass Band Contest

2008 sees the 125th year of this great institution, the Whit Friday Brass Band Contest.  The first Whit Friday contest began in Stalybridge a good 125 years ago.  This came about after bands who led the churches decided to host a contest in the Cheshire town.

125 years on, Stalybridge remains an important venue for the Whit Friday contest.  This year saw two contests, with one at Bower Fold (home of Stalybridge Celtic), and the town centre one at the Labour Club near Cheetham’s Park.  Whereas Mossley and the Saddleworth villages are the best places to watch the Yorkshire bands, Stalybridge’s contest is probably the best one for bands from Cheshire, Lancashire, and the Midlands.

This year’s contest at the Stalybridge Labour Club had a venue record of 53 bands, some 3 short of the town’s record of 56 bands (achieved at the now demolished SIDS arena).  Represented at the 2008 contest was a band from Switzerland, bands from East London, Oxfordshire and the Midlands, as well as Lancashire and Cheshire (which make the bulk of the contest’s entrants).

A Whit Friday band contest includes prizes for the best bands within a local area (usually a radius of 10 miles), a ‘Best Open’ prize (any entrant) and prizes for ‘Best Deportment’, youth bands and instrument based prizes (i.e best solo cornet, euphonium).  Some contests award sectional prizes, according to which section the band is in.  Points are allocated on how well each band plays the piece by an adjudicator.

Like the Football League and the FA Premier League, brass bands are divided into sections.  The Championship section is the highest one, with world famous bands such as Black Dyke, Brighouse and Rastrick, and Foden’s Richardson among its members.  There is also a further four sections and a youth section.

On arrival, the band ’s runner registers the band’s details (i.e. band [Black Dyke] then march piece [Knight Templar]) and pays its entry fee.  The adjudicator checks note for note each piece, awarding marks on how well it is played.  He or she is unaware of the band, as each band is referred to by number till the results are announced.  Once finished, the band moves onto their next contest.

Since 1989, Tameside MBC has also added a competition for the best band in the borough.  These are comprised of the results from each contest.  The first winners of this was Black Dyke Mills band.

For anyone wishing to delve further into the history of the Whit Friday Brass Band contest, I fully recommend Alec Greenhalgh’s excellent book ‘Hail Smiling Morn’.  Though published and (to the best of my knowledge) not updated since 1991, this is the definitive reference of the competition. 

In chronological order, all contest venues past and present have been stated, with details of the winners in the Best Local and Best Open sections.  For each year, there is also details of the weather conditions.

The book is available for sale at Oldham Tourist Information Centre (inside Gallery Oldham, Union Street) and in Uppermill Tourist Information Centre at Saddleworth Museum.

S.V., 17 May 2008.

Tags: music, entertainment, brass bands, Whit Friday, Tameside, Oldham, Saddleworth

The Best Free Show on Earth #1

Part 1: The Absolute Beginners’ Guide to Whit Friday

East of the M60 has been around in cyberspace for nearly two years, yet in this period it has still to cover Whit Friday.

Until now.

For those of you unsure about Whit Friday, Whit Friday falls after Whit Sunday and is two days before Pentecost.  There is no fixed date, with the date determined by the month when Easter falls on.

A traditional Whit Friday involves the Procession of Witness in the morning.  Churches from, for example Uppermill meet at a central point in the village or town centre and assemble for a short service.  Before and after the service, each church leads with the church’s banner at the front (carried by two strong persons, augmented by a small number of children holding onto its ribbons).

As well as adult members of the congregation, each church is represented by members of its school, Cub/Beaver/Scout/Rainbow/Brownie/Guide groups or other bodies such as mother and toddlers or the local Mothers’ Union.

Behind the banner is a local brass band which leads out fellow walkers.  Some of which carry smaller banners, or other religious artifacts such as a cuddly lamb (symbolising the ‘Lamb of God’).  After the service, each church returns ‘home’ with the full congregation for raspberry buns and a brew.

After the parade (as if the younger members did enough walking), the afternoon’s proceedings would include a sports day, with traditional activities like ‘The Egg and Spoon race’, ‘Three Legged Race’ and an obstacle race featuring.

By night came the centrepiece of Whit Friday, a tradition upheld by villages within the Saddleworth area and the Tameside area – the Whit Friday brass band contests.  From 1883, the first recorded contests took place in Stalybridge, Uppermill and Mossley.  Bands travelled far and wide (within 20 miles from the venue). 

Stalybridge, as well as being home to the world’s oldest brass band is also home to the first  Whit Friday contest.  Its roots stem from the bands trying to prove which church had the best band.  125 years on, it is now possible to see bands from Switzerland as well as Friezland competing – thanks to motorways and the Channel Tunnel.

Whit Friday is the traditional day for this procession, though the late 1980s saw, mainly in the Tameside area the walks switching to Sunday before Whit Friday.  Since 1883, the number of Whit Friday contests had increased to 23 at any one time.  The late 1980s also saw great expansion of the Whit Friday contest, with Denton, Ashton-under-Lyne and Droylsden alongside the traditional three (Stalybridge, Uppermill and Mossley).

As well as an increase in the number of contests, the modern day epidemic of congestion has made it impossible for any band to do all the contests, a far cry from 1884 when Stalybridge Borough won the first Stalybridge contest.

S.V., 17 May 2008

Tags: music, entertainment, brass bands, religion, Whit Friday, Tameside, Oldham, Saddleworth, local history

The Not So Perfect 10: Hitting the High Notes

In praise of the falsetto vocalist

Greetings Pop Pickers, I have chosen a most unusual subject for this installment of ‘The Not So Perfect 10.

Everybody of a musical persuasion or intense knowledge of popular culture may list the 10 Best Beatles songs or

“When You’re Up on the Stage it’s so Unbelievable*”

RH@M/CR: Roger Hodgson, Palace Theatre, Manchester, 03 October 2007

One of the geniuses behind Supertramp Roger Hodgson delivered a virtuoso performance at the Palace Theatre in Manchester.

Most of the audience

‘The Not So Perfect 10′: Ten Greatest Half Man Half Biscuit quotes

Regular readers of my blog will already know about my liking for the greatest band to have hailed from the Wirral since Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.

Back with a vengeance, this month’s ‘Not So Perfect Ten’

“So you think you’re a Romeo, playing a part in a picture show..?*”

New Roger Hodgson DVD out next month

Some great news from Eagle Rock Entertainment comes in the form of a new Roger Hodgson DVD. Entitled *’Take The Long Way Home’,

ASDA to drop CD Singles

• Cheap downloads and broadband connections KO format
• 7″ single sees revival of fortunes

Yesterday, ASDA announced its decision to drop CD singles from the store chain. This has been brought about increased popularity of downloads and 7″ vinyl. The American owned store chain has dropped the CD single format in the UK due to its falling popularity. This follows a similar move made by Tesco two months ago.

C30, C60, C90, Woah…!

The joys of composing a mixtape

It is hard to believe that the compact cassette format is over 40 years old. Invented by Philips in 1963, it was, in conjunction with the Sony Walkman, the iPod of its day by the late ’70s and early ’80s.

The Not So Perfect 10: Cheesy Tunes

The start of a new feature from East of the M60

After complaints about this blog turning into a copy of The Guardian (yeah, right), East of the M60 is proud to announce a new monthly feature, ‘The Not So Perfect 10′. In the tradition of E4 and Channel 4’s repetition of ‘The Top 100…’ and ‘Top Ten…’ type shows, this regular feature will detail any ten randomly thought of topic by this blog.

“Don’t be a Plonker if you can be a Stonker…”

Yes folks, it’s that time of the year again, ‘Comic Relief’.

What started off a ninety minute programme has mushroomed into an evening long telethon, with linked programmes.  For the purpose of this post, I would like to hear your memories of previous Comic Relief years.  I shall start off with my memories.

For me, 2001 was the best year, as I spent an hour outside the Stalybridge branch of Tescos, collecting for Comic Relief, dressed as an overweight Emily Howard lookalike!  Ten years earlier, I was at school, and took part in a ‘talent contest’ singing the then popular Right Said Fred song ‘I’m Too Sexy’, followed by ‘The Stonk’ by Hale and Pace.  In the same year, I brought the house down at the school hall with an impression of a washing machine for a version of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’, organised by some sixth formers.

For the next part of this post, I shall make reference to the Comic Relief songs.

My favourite was the first ever single for the said charity, ‘Living Doll’.  This was a version by Cliff Richard and The Young Ones (yes, Rik, Vyvian, Mike and Neil of the 1982 – 4 sitcom… heavv-vee!) from 1986.  The most cheesiest one has to be ‘The Stonk’ by Hale and Pace and the Stonkers (which was a more blatant single; a trend followed by Right Said Fred with ‘Stick It Out’).  This is due to the talent contest mentioned earlier.

The Singles (note, this is not a complete list; any additions welcome):

• 1986: ‘Living Doll’, Cliff Richard and the Young Ones;
• 1987-8: ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’, Mel (Smith) and Kim (Wilde);
• 1989: ‘Help’, Bananarama and La Na Ne Na Na Noo (a.k.a French and Saunders);
• 1991: ‘The Stonk’, Hale and Pace and the Stonkers;
• 1993: ‘Stick It Out’, Right Said Fred;
• 1997: ‘Mama/Who Do You Think You Are?’, The Spice Girls;
• 2007: ‘Walk This Way’, Girls Aloud.

Your comments please…

…Meet up on a Friday with my CORGI Registered Friends…

Half Man Half Biscuit, 16 February 2007: Manchester Academy

With a near capacity crowd in the Manchester Academy, Birkenhead’s answer to Shakespeare had a solid performance, with this gig surpassing the Holmfirth one last September.

Opening the gig was fellow labelmates Calvin Party, in front of about 400 people, with their Echo and the Bunnymen meets James style of Indie music.

By 2115 hours, came the main feature, Half Man Half Biscuit who ran on to a snatch of ‘13 Eurogoths Floating In The Dead Sea’. Fifteen minutes before then, the Manchester Academy saw an extra 800 HMHB fans surge towards the venue. As with Holmfirth, they opened the gig with ‘S*** Arm Bad Tattoo’.

Friday’s gig saw a rather tight performance by Half Man Half Biscuit, with a mix of excellent new material from ‘Achtung Bono’ and a few oldies. Within the latter category were ‘4AD3DCD’, ‘Albert Hammond Bootleg’ and ‘Turned Up, Clocked Off, Laid Off’. Unlike the Holmfirth gig, ‘24 Hour Garage People’ lacked the musical samples (probably due to copyright issues).

Before the encore, HMHB dedicated their last song, ‘Joy Division Oven Gloves’ to Tony Wilson, given his recent battle with cancer. This was met by rapturous applause by the 1200 – 1500 fans at the Academy. Continuing the trend of using a cover version for the encore set, their choice was ‘Containers’ by The Fall from their 1980 album ‘Grotesque: After the Gramme’.

Ending with a snatch of ‘The Best Things In Life’ and ‘We’ve Built This Village on a Trad. Arr. Tune’ before then, Half Man Half Biscuit left me wanting a second encore and a week’s worth of cold turkey, cured only by listening to ‘Achtung Bono’ and ‘Back in the DHSS’ several times.

A fantastic night, and long may they continue. When’s the next gig in the North West…?

“…Bbbb-bloody Marvellous!”

Roger Hodgson’s first UK tour for over 20 years

The former Supertramp vocalist will be playing six venues within the first fortnight of October 2007.  He will be performing in Cardiff, Manchester, Glasgow, Bournemouth and London between the 1st and the 11th October.

Tickets for the non London shows will £35.00 (plus booking fee for those who pay by credit or debit card).  The gig at the Royal Albert Hall (Tuesday 9th October) will be priced between £27.50 and £40.00.

For details of his tour, click on to http://www.rogerhodgson.com/documents/uktourpress.html.

The Manchester show will take place on the 3rd October 2007.  Expect to see a review after this.

The World’s Worst Record Show – Crimes Against Music

As well as being the title of a 1978 album featuring the 20 worst songs according to a Capital Radio show hosted by the late great Kenny Everett, the purpose of this post is about crimes against music.

The 1978 album released by K-Tel includes songs about drink driving, necrophilia and… three Jess Conrad tracks (poor man). My favourite musical disaster from that album is ‘Paralysed’ by the Legendary Stardust Cowboy, along with Jimmy Cross’ ‘I Want My Baby Back’. If you can find a copy on eBay buy it straight away.  It is a real education in musical composition and on how not to get to number one, nor gain extra friends via myspace.com.

My crimes against music are: lyricists who blatantly rhyme “touch” with “much” (so cliched) and songs switching octaves almost suddenly (the truck driver’s gear change).  As for particular artistes, well, I would say anyone who butchers ‘Unchained Melody’, ‘Uptown Girl’ or ‘Agadoo’ to death, to the point all enjoyment is lost (I lied about the latter one).

As for particular songs, I would consign the following to Room 202 (Room 101 is too good for them) :

• Anyone Can Fall in Love: Anita Dobson (we all know the Eastenders tune!?);
• Every Loser Wins: Nick Berry (and it was No. 1 for four weeks!);
• What Becomes of the Broken Hearted: Robson and Jerome;
• My Heart Will Go On: Celine Dion.

Above are my not so Fab Four.  Filed under ’so bad they are good’, I would say these fit my criteria for Room 50.5:

• Panic: The Scoop (see ‘Chart Hits ‘81′);
• What’s the Colour of Money: Hollywood Beyond;
• Live is Life: Opus;
• Rock Me Amadeus: Falco;
• Bang Bang: B.A. Robertson.

Readers of this blog, I will invite you to add further comments and songs which would reside in Room 202, or Room 50.5.

Stuart Vallantine: A lover of rotten records as well as more decent stuff like Supertramp,  ELO and the Toy Dolls.

Gig Review: Half Man Half Biscuit

Holmfirth Picturedrome, 21st September 2006

As British as Fish and Chips and Fawlty Towers with a sense of the absurd, Half Man Half Biscuit’s Holmfirth gig saw a tight performance from the Birkenhead Indie band.

Established in 1984, splitting in 1987, only to reform in 1990, Messrs Nigel and Neil Blackwell continue to write great songs with references ranging from ITV Wrestling contenders to hills and nondescript East Anglian towns. Last night, they didn’t disappoint.

Kicking off proceedings with ‘S*** Arm, Bad Tattoo’, their set lasted a full 90 minutes with 10 minutes added time for an encore. Applause and cheers were reserved for the old favourites like ‘F***** ‘Ell It’s Fred Titmuss’ and ‘Everything’s AOR’. Of the more recent material, ‘Joy Division Oven Gloves’ was greeted with a lively reception.

The highlights of the gig included an extended version of ‘24 Hour Garage People’, updated to include references to portable digital music players – complete with excerpts of songs which would appear on Sean Rowley’s ‘Guilty Pleasures’ album. The other one was ‘Disabled Blue Badge Abuser’, which used the bass line of one of their older pieces ‘Yipps’.

They opened the encore with a cover of ‘Caroline’ by Status Quo, before playing ‘Them’s The Vagaries’ and two classics from ‘Back Again in the DHSS’ (‘The Bastard Son of Dean Friedman’ and ‘The Best Things in Life’). Suprisingly, there was no ‘Trumpton Riots’, which was seen a mild letdown by some.

Apart from that, this was a tight performance by Half Man Half Biscuit, and their 100 minute set was well worth the £15.00.

Key songs:

• Restless Legs
• Dead Men Don’t Need Season Tickets
• Joy Division Oven Gloves
• Vatican Broadside
• Everything’s AOR
• CORGI Registered Friends
• 24 Hour Garage People (extended version)

All in all, a great night.

• Presentation: 89% (Good stage effects and special mention for the caravan shaped guitar);
• Sound quality: 80% (Good acoustics, no distortion, not too loud);
• Value for Money: 93% (A long set plus a generous 40 minutes for the support band);
• Content:91% (A good mix of recent and classic material, though ‘Trumpton Riots’ was missed).

Overall rating: 90% (Half Man Half Biscuit can never be equalled with their powers of observation on the minutae of life most of us take for granted and knowledge of all things obscure. Long may they continue.)

• Half Man Half Biscuit will be playing the Manchester Academy on the 17th February 2007.  Tickets are £16.75, including booking fee and the gig will include a support act. Log on to http://www.hmhb.co.uk for further details.